Yaoi Hearts 2: A Kingdom Hearts 2 Parody
by ChaosTwins
Summary: This is our take on the story behind Kingdom Hearts 2. It is truly full of gay jokes, blatant ignorance towards certain facts, and hot guys attempting to get it on with other hot guys. This parody is rated 15 plus.
1. Prologue

Naruke: HAI GUYS am I doing it right?  
Karuke: Yes, you're doing it fine. Now please lower your voice, I can't think naughty yaoi thoughts with you making such a ruckus.  
Naruke: Psha, I'm sure you could think about yaoi thoughts if some one else is making a ruckus.. wink wink nudge nudge know what I mean say no more.  
Karuke: …… You strange, silly person. And yes, I could, but that's because they'd be _making_ me think yaoi thoughts. Not like that's hard to do. Anyway. So we're here with this new fic installment from the Chaos Twins called:  
Naruke: dun dun dun DUN!!!  
Karuke: The Grand Great Excelent Adventures of Naruke and KAruke in Playing Kingdom Hearts 2! Also known as Yaoi Hearts 2!  
Naruke: We were going to call it "Surprise Butt Secks"  
Karuke: But if any young children are reading, we don't want them to get the wrong impression. Know what I mean?  
Naruke: It's called Yaoi Hearts. I think--but—what--Butt Secks is better than Yaoi Hearts.  
Karuke: I'm just trying to put forth a sort of family-friendly air. I mean, yeah, this will be so cracky and smutty even we won't understand half of it, but still…  
Naruke: YAOI. HEARTS.  
Karuke: Fine, whatever. We weren't trying to make it kid friendly. You bit----bitter? You bitter person. .  
Naruke: Riiiight. BITTER. We'll go with that.  
Karuke: Let's just start the story, eh?  
Naruke: Right-o! This is a Kingdom Hearts parody with crack sprinkled on top and a side of sugar. (Karuke : In crack we don't mean the drug we mean like craziness) There is yaoi if you didn't get the first million warnings. Have fun reading this and I hope your brain doesn't fall out.

The Grand Great Excellent Adventures of Naruke and Karuke in Playing Kingdom Hearts 2! Also known as Yaoi Hearts 2!

Note: We really do like the Kingdom Hearts Series. That's why we do this. You know the saying, you always hurt the ones you love? Well, we don't just hurt them, we break their brains.

PROLOGUE

Sora stood at some random crossroads, bathed in moonlight, thinking wistfully of his one true love, Riku. He was also trying to ignore the suspicious sounds coming from the bushes where his two missing companions were supposed to be. He was hoping they were being eaten by a groundhog or something equally cute and furry, then all of the sudden, words appeared around him. Giant text floated wistfully by, narrowly missing his head.

"A…a scattered dream…" he mumbled, trying to read them as they sailed past and swirled around nonsensically. "A scattered dream….that's like a far off…memory? What the hell is this?"

The words disappeared, and Sora began to think that maybe he should be going to bed, strange bush noises be damned when MORE words appeared. "A far off memory that's like a scattered dream," he read, staring up at the cloud under which the golden shiny letters were positioning themselves. "Okay, seriously, what the hell is going on?"

They disappeared, and a third set of equally golden, shiny, completely random words took their place. "I want to line the pieces up. Yours—what, mine?—and mine—yours? Wait, I'm so confused." And then, for no reason, his world faded to black. He just assumed that he probably had passed out from the drugs Donald had forced on him earlier, claiming that they were medicinal. Magical. Some M-word like that.

After the whole blackness-thing. He was watching Kairi, sitting on the beach near the ocean. His world then flashed—yes, flashed—and he was suddenly right next to her. Sora was juuuuust slightly confused. It was like he was a director of some cheesy flashback video game intro. Suddenly he was focused on a shell that didn't look like any normal seashell, watching as a wave came up, barely passed over it, and made it disappear. Magic. Sora was frightened by the magical wave from hell and hoped never to go near the water again. However, he was magically transported to that island-tree-paopu-thing-place from his old home land, Destiny Island. Without a clue as to why it was happening, Kairi, on his right, turned into small dust-like particles and blew away. More magic! Sora was now afraid of the wind, too. For, as this thought occurred to him, Riku also turned into dust and blew away. With a thought to hiding behind the tree, Sora jumped down and the world blew away around him.

What the hell.

Then, after another bright white flashing thing, Sora found himself at Radia---sorry, no spoilers (we haven't locked it yet [er, we mean…yeah, forget you saw this) Hollow Bastion, keyblade in hand, Donald and Goofy at his side. For no apparent reason, he charged up the platforms that were suddenly a lot closer than he remembered, and he remembered, he had loved his glide ability when he reached this world, and began beating up some heartless that were just chilling there doing nothing (a small group of them were having a very nice tea party, with some darling little pineapple-shaped cookies, before Sora came in and pillaged their home and raped their women) (He didn't actually rape the women, he's gay. He doesn't swing that way). And then he was magically inside the castle, and Kairi was dead again.

What the hell.

And then, Riku was there, being emo like he often was. Sora, who was on the ground tying to cause Kairi to have a seizure by shaking her too much (maybe actually wanted to snap her neck, we aren't entirely sure) looked up, and magically he was standing. The World did some more flashy things between him and Riku and Hollow Bastion and Destiny Island. When it finally settled, he found himself charging, keyblade in hand, at Riku. They fought for a second, then Riku leapt away, did some fancy special effects tricks, and turned into Xenoho---ANSEM. Right. He turned into ANSEM. There was a charge, some faulty credit involved, and Sora did some attacking at ANSEM. There was a door, some light, a flashback of Riku speaking but he couldn't hear over the strange music, and then he was LOSING HIS HEART.

What the hell.

Then he was turning into pyreflies—sparkles, to those of you who never played Final Fantasy X—and hugging Kairi. Who was still dead. What the hell. Then he was back on Destiny Island, watching Kairi watch the deadly Sea of Disappearing Shells. What the hell, wasn't he just losing his heart? Okay, whatever. Day turned to night in the span of two seconds, and it began to snow radioactive sparkles. Suddenly he was on some chunk of land that was floating away into a big blue-black vortex of doom. He tried to yell help to Kairi, but she just kind of stood there staring. She probably didn't hear him over the crazy lady singing.

Kairi did the dust thing, and suddenly she was older and damn she was HOT. If you went for the lolitas, that is. And, you know, if Sora wasn't gay. Suddenly Kairi was saying something in some strange language and he saw some other chick's mouth saying the same thing, and then he was behind Kairi again. What the hell. There were some nifty transition effects and suddenly he was in some chick's room. Obviously, she really liked the color white, and Sora's motion sickness from the strange movements was about to paint it differently.

She was drawing something, it looked like a deformed double helix, but Sora couldn't tell really, because he was too busy running up some stairs right then. There were some heartless (who were looking to settle the score behind the tea party incident you will recall from earlier) and Sora beat them up. Again. Donald showed that he wasn't _entirely_ useless (though he _is_ pretty darn useless) and there, ahead of them, were two strange people in black assassin cloaks (they were really bad Assassin's Creed cosplayers, actually) and Sora tried to duck behind Donald and Goofy (they're only really good as meat shields anyway) but he was REJECTED and the world shifted to some really long white hall. There was a chick—wait, no, intelligence informs us now that it's actually a guy (could have fooled us)—with some sort of gay scythe and Sora fought him for no real reason. Then he was watching Riku fighting ANSEM, but wait, no, he was fighting girly-man again. So there was some more flashing between the two fights (both of which were totally on beat with the song the crazy lady was singing) and then he was running up the stairs again. He was actually chasing Riku, but that got kind of hard because the stairs turned into some sick sort of Escher imitation (or a labrynth, if you don't know who M. C. Escher is. If you don't, go google him. Seriously. Freak.).

What the hell.

So after some really dizzy running in circles, Sora found himself opening a pair of doors into the strange chick's white room. She looked up at him from that accursed sketch book and then some sort of glass bubble grew up around him. He started doing his trapped mime impression, but she was not impressed and put him to sleep with some more words of that strange language. He did this strange dropping/flying thing because the bubble (and the world around it) disappeared. Ooookay then. So he was flying through white space and it magically shattered around him (no, the shards were not dangerous, what kind of OSHA regulations do you think we follow here? And if you don't know what OSHA is, look it up. Or get a job. You'll understand.)

He was flying some more. But then, he saw the white chick with some discolored picture of him close that accursed sketch book and then he was lying on the beach of Destiny Island (he was really starting to hate that place), holding hands with Kairi and Riku. He assumed they were all dead. He was totally okay with that, because it meant that these strange hallucinations were over.

But then the world did the particle-blowing-away-thing, and Sora distinctly remembered Destiny Island blowing away before. Instead of him doing some trippy flashing effects, Roxassssome blonde kid was sinking. Like a rock. Like a really fast-sinking rock. Bricks would float compared to his rate of sinking. Flipping over, Roxaaaathat kid landed on some platform type thing and looked around really freaking confusedly. One of the many reasons being that he could breathe under water.

What the hell.

Well, the truth is, that he is actually a genetic mutant. He has gills on his ba---oh my god flying birds what the hell are they doing underwater? Where did they come from? Apparently he was stepping on them. They flew off (under water, somehow) and left him alone on the platform. So very alone.

Ro—the kid wanted to cry.

Totally unrelated (cough) to Sora's drug trip and that really strange kid who looked nothing like Sora (plot deviiiice), there was this place. It looked kind of like Halloween Town (remember this place, for you will not see it again until the VERY END. Wait, I mean forget this part. Crud). Only not. There was some moon-looking thing on the horizon and some pretty looking water.

The assassin's creed cosplayers were magically there and the one on the right (who had apparently been there all along) started talking in this deep, almost-sexy voice.

"I've been to see him."

The other cosplayer didn't seem able to speak.

"He looks just like you."

Wait, we lied. The other cosplayer can speak, he just doesn't actually have a voice.

What the hell

"Who are you?" he asked. Without a voice.

"I'm what's left," almost-sexy-voice-man replied. "Or…maybe I'm all there ever was."

"I meant your name." Man-without-a-voice said. That would be his Indian name. Man-without-voice.

"My name is of no importance. What about you? Do you remember your true name?"

Man-without-voice replied, "My true name…is…"

-End-  
NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS.  
Karuke: So, like we said earlier, we really do love kingdom hearts, and we know that we are so politically incorrect we make bigots look polite and caring, but you know what? We're doing it to make you laugh.  
Naruke: We do it for the lolz.  
Karuke: Yeah. So, I mean, as you can see, we're leaving gaping holes here. Honestly, it's best if you have played the game before you read the rest.  
Naruke: Oh yeah, it's actually better to play the game to get some of the jokes we made in the prologue.  
Karuke: The first game is a must, even if you haven't played 2 yet. Anyway.  
Naruke: And...and if you haven't played the games, why the hell are you here?  
Karuke: We don't actually care, to be honest. Flame us, they make us giggle. So here we go. Our first crack fic. Part 1 to come eventually, as we have limited free time.  
Naruke: Part 1 of many, many chapters.  
Karuke: How many worlds are there?  
Naruke: Um. I don't remember off the top of my head, but some you have to visit twice.  
Karuke: ...  
Naruke: ...  
Karuke: Right. So it's a lot. Anyway, please review if it made you laugh. Please flame if it offended you. Just leave us some feedback and you'll make all our cracky jokes totally worth it.  
Naruke: And remember:  
Both: LOVE AND PEACE! (peace sign)

Random Story Fact: The phrase "What the hell" was said 12 times in this chapter. We think it will be a running joke, the way "I have a bad feeling about this" is a joke in Star Wars.


	2. Really Confusing Storyline Go!

CHAPTER 1: Really Confusing Storyline Go!

OR

Omg, That's not Sora! Gtfo!

Note we forgot to include in the prologue: because we're writing this as we play, sometimes our dialogue isn't exact. We don't care. It doesn't bother us. Honestly. It isn't that big of a deal. In fact, we change a bunch of the dialogue. Because it makes us laugh. So buck up, chaps, you're in it for the long haul (we hope).

"Sora!" an extremely high pitched voice said. The world had been black and blessedly silent until the voice came again. "Sora." The world went fuzzy, like a rainbow on static, and began to show a pixilated sky. The sky cleared to normality (a probability factor of 1:1 (go read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy folks)) and there were some cheesy flashback scenes of this brown-haired kid. No, we don't know what the hell is going on, either. Well, okay, we do, but we can't tell you yet.

Someone was apparently learning how to operate a video camera. Someone else was also probably learning that their TV was majorly broken. The scenes were skippy and fuzzy and made absolutely no sense. Who was the silver-haired kid? And the brown-haired idiot? If you didn't play the first game, you don't know. If you did, good for you.

Something about a world being connected, and not changing, doors opening, understanding nothing, and some really dark scenery. Suddenly, there was a wall of shelves. There were some boxes, some random rolls of paper, a few books that looked like they had never been touched, and what we think might be a space heater were lined up on the wall.

Hey, remember that blonde kid from the Prologue, the one we kept slipping the name to you about? Yeah. Well, we're still not allowed to tell you his name yet. So for now, his name is Joanna. He wakes up with a groan (what was _he_ dreaming about, I wonder?) and muttered, "Another dream about him." Oh. He was dreaming about _that_. Gotcha. Another gay one for the fanfics.

He looked out his window, flings wide the glass, and peers out across the town. If you're wondering what he was staring at, some more text had appeared. It spelled out the words "Twilight Town." No, we're not sure what this means, either. Well, okay, yes we do but we can't tell you yet.

Fade to black

Joanna sat in some back alley with his friends, looking emo as the two boys (Christine and Lola) and the girl (Frank) chatted away, totally ignoring him. Joanna stared at his hands, ignoring the words "The 1st Day" that appeared out of nowhere. He was actually growing accustomed to them already.

Christine complained loudly, "Man, that ticks me off."

"Yeah, that's just wrong," Lola agreed heartily.

"Seifer's gone too far this time," Frank said, stomping her feet.

The three of them turned to look at Joanna, expecting a response. Joanna, still staring at his hands in an emo fashion, didn't notice. Christine, Lola, and Frank coughed expectantly. Joanna looked up, straightening his posture with a twitch. Ever since Seifer had gotten the better of him, Joanna's back had been slightly crooked, and he was afraid to bend over in public places.

Christine nodded at him, wondering if Joanna's brain had stopped again. Ever since Seifer had bested Joanna, he had been very quiet and kept looking back over his shoulders. He also refused to pick things up when the fell on the ground.

What the hell.

Christine got up and folded his hands across his chest. "I mean, it's true that stuff's been stolen around town. And we've got a score to settle with Seifer and everything." Christine began to pace, a light spring in his steps. He wanted to join the Ministry of Silly Walks, but he had been REJECTED on the fact that while he walked in a silly way, it was not nearly silly enough. "So if he wants to think we did it, I can't really blame him." He gestured grandly. "See…that's not what really bugs me. What _really_ bugs me is that he's goin' around telling' everybody we're the thieves!"

Joanna looked at him as he continued to gesture wildly, thinking that perhaps he should speak to Christine's mom about getting him on some Ritalin.

"Now the whole town and their mothers are treating us like the Leper—I mean, the Klepto Club! Have you ever been this ticked off in your life?"

He looked around and nobody met his eyes.

"'Cause I haven't. Nu-uh. Never!"

Frank looked around hopelessly and made fishmouths for a moment. At that moment, she was seriously upset that she was the only girl of her age (we're guessing, like, 15? Maybe?) and that these boys were her only friends. Frank looked over at Joanna, who shrugged.

"Uh, well…We could find the real thieves? That would set the record straight."

"Who the hell says 'set the record straight' anymore?" Lola asked, also standing up. "I mean, seriously. It sounds like fun and all, but count me out if ----- [content edited due to spoilers is coming too."

"What about that jerk Seifer?" Christine asked.

"Let's clear our names first," Joanna said, getting up at last. "Once we find the real culprit, everyone will get off our backs."

"Oh teh noes!" Lola cried from the other side of the room. He was holding a camera. "Our ----- are gone!"

[note: we're going to fill in the blanks here with random words! Try using your own words, too, to make the joke even better! It's safe to do at home, kids!

"Hm?" Lola held his throat in surprise, as if it was his throat's fault he couldn't speak the King's English. After all, we speaks goodly. Why not him?

"All our [slurpie, gone?" Christine asked, looking over. He also held his throat, wondering if Lola had some sort of communicable speaking disease.

Frank gasped. "You can't say [lemon? Why not?"

It seems that now Christine, Frank, and Joanna stared at Lola, fearing that they would never be rid of this disease now. Christine thought bitterly back to last night when Lola had sworn to him that he was clean.

"But you do understand what I'm saying, right?" Lola asked, looking around in despair.

"What, that you weren't actually clean?" mumbled Christine so quietly nobody heard him.

"Our [nipples are gone!" Lola said.

"Stolen…" Joanna muttered, putting a hand up to his mouth. "And not just the [hentai, the word [hentai! They stole it too!"

"What kind of thief is that?" Christine asked, once more folding his arms across his chest. "Not even Seifer could do that."

"Time for some recon," Lola said. "And by recon, I mean hot lovin'," he said under his breath, looking pointedly at Christine.

They ran off, but after two steps, Joanna began to collapse. He wanted to join his friends, but suddenly, the urge to pass out was upon him. So he did what any good main character would do…he passed out.

"His heart is returning," said a voice that was almost sexy. It sounded a lot like Saruman from Lord of the Rings. "Doubtless he'll awaken very soon."

Joanna awoke from his beauty unconsciousness and sat up slowly with the ever-present twitch. He stood and brushed himself off, looking around with confusion. He does that a lot, honestly. Frank stood by in the doorway. "Come on, Roxas," she said.

And now, our hero(?) has a real name.

He is Roxas. We'd like to still call him Joanna, but that might get confusing later on.

Anyway, Roxas was magically transported to the center of Twilight Town (see how the words make sense now?). (We're going to gloss over this part, since we really don't think you need to see how Roxas learns to walk (like he didn't know that before, right?) and go right to the vaguely-interesting parts.)

"Let's get this investigation underway, yah?" Lola said. This mode of speech seemed vaguely familiar to Roxas, but he didn't know why.

"Yo, Roxas," said Mr. ClothingShopKeeperMan from behind them. "Never thought you'd do such a thing."

"We didn't steal anything, alright?" Roxas replied.

"I'd like to believe you, but…" Mr. ClothingShopKeeperMan sighed. "Who else would steal that stuff?"

Roxas blinked a few times. "What stuff?"

Mr. ClothingShopKeeperMan shrugged and looked away. "As if you didn't know. Hey, I'm not gonna tell you. Go ask the accessory shop."

Magically, Roxas was transported to the front of the accessory shop. Nobody in Twilight Town can walk, you see. They can stand, yes, but they were all born without knees, and therefore fall when they try to walk. So, over the years, they've mastered the ability of teleportation. That's our story and we're sticking to it.

_Wait, didn't we say he was pacing earlier?_

Shut up.

_Okay._

"Go on, Roxas," Christine said. "Ask her."

[right, well, for real this time, we're skipping these stupid little short scenes because they're boring and do nothing to enhance the plot. So yeah, skipping to the important stuff…

So. After Roxas &Co. do some snooping, they discover that the stolen items are all pictures. Yeah, that's not strange at all. When they're done, they run into Seifer and his lackeys. He challenges Roxas to a fight, and Roxas chooses a weapon. Roxas kicks his ass (it's an easy fight, Seifer is, like, such a pussy) and when Lola goes to take a picture, something long, white, and stretchy (get your mind out of the gutter) stretches on by and steals the camera right out of his hands. It then does some acrobatic flips and makes its getaway.

The group (aka Roxas) follows the stretchy white thing via teleportation to the woods. Roxas follows it, confronts it, and is very freaked out by a voice inside his head saying "We have come for you, my liege."

The white thing's mouth (which was apparently a zipper) unzipped, and an incredibly high pitched, almost off the scale voice came out saying "All your pictures are belong to us!"

Roxas stared at it for a minute. What the hell. Shrugging, he tried to take some swings at Mr. McStretchyWhiteGuy and failed. Just as he was ready to give up on life, the matrix took his weapon. What the hell x2. It turned into a giant key, which, considering it was probably made of solid steel, didn't seem to be that heavy. Magic!

Suddenly, Roxas knew how to wield this strange, giant key! He swung madly at Mr. McStretchyWhiteGuy and it turned into sparks, leaving behind the stolen photographs. The giant key disappeared, and Roxas didn't seem to mind.

Back in the sleezy back alley, Roxas, Christine, Frank, and Lola are talking about the photos. We can't figure out exactly why they still have them, since apparently they weren't the only people to have pictures stolen, but maybe they really are the Klepto Club.

On the way home for dinner, Roxas passed out. Again. Because some light was shining in his eyes. Way to go. What the hell. Totally confused as to exactly where he was and why he was such a pansy-ass that kept passing out, a crazy female-like computer voice said, "Probability factor of 88:1 against, and falling!"

Somewhere that looks vaguely familiar (coughcoughrememberthischokehack) almost-sexy-voice-man was saying, "Assassin's Creed cosplayers----I mean, Organization miscreants… they've found us."

A mysteriously deeper voice wrapped in a black hooded jacket that you can find on ebay for somewhat reasonable prices said in reply, "But why would the nobodies steal photographs?"

_Because they were __**photographs**_

_Yeah, the kind that you keep in a locked box under your bed. _

"Both are nothing but data to them. The fools could never tell the difference."

"Wait, both what?" deeper-voice-man asked.

"We are running out of time."

"Wait, but I'm really confused."

"Namine must make haste."

"But I'm still confu--"

The scene faded out and again Roxas was seeing visions of the brown-haired kid. He was talking about a missing island and some people named Riku and Kai--. People were talking to him, there was a big talking dog and a really short talking duck who were trying to convince the brunette that they had lots of candy back on their ship and he should come with them to get it.

Everything faded out to complete blackness and the mournful piano music stopped.

Karuke: Well, this took forever.

Naruke: Yeah it did. cough

Karuke: Okay, so, for the two people I noticed who added this to their favorites and/or notices, thank you. And also, here's why this will take a while:

Naruke: Well, for one, we're actually playing the game as we type it. This includes pausing to add comments, and starting again. Pausing, and starting again. There's also actual game play included in the, you know, GAME. Not just cutscenes.

Karuke: It isn't a movie.

Naruke: For two-

Karuke: Don't you mean Secondly?

Naruke: Shut the hell up.

Karuke: Okay.

Naruke: FOR TWO… one of us actually does go to college and has classes. cough . 

Karuke: And the other one is frantically searching for a job.

Naruke: For Three…thirdly? Tertiarily? No, for three. There's the limited time for us to actually meet up and play the game and not, you know, frantically work on cosplay costumes for Otakon.

Karuke: Or reading yaoi. We do a lot of that.

Nakure: cough We've built up a good stock of it.

Karuke: Anyway, as you can see, we have lives. We do like to write and we _are_ planning on continuing this. It just might take a while. . 

Naruke: Rome wasn't built in a day.

Karuke: …um…yeah. Okay. Right. I'm going to go now.

Naruke: Teh yaois! skips off

Karuke: Oh my god she's high. wanders off to get the leash


	3. Keyblade? Wtf?

Chapter 2: Key…..blade? Wtf?  
OR  
I wish I could read these words floating around my room. 

Note: All text in italics, unless obviously part of the story, is commentary from the authors. Everything else is, obviously, part of the story.

Roxas awoke in his bed and sat up quickly, startled that he had passed out in the sleezy back alley and had woken up at home. Brushing it aside, he stared at his hand and muttered, "Key….blade?" In the room next to him, floating improbably in the air appeared some words. Roxas stared at them blankly for a few minutes before shrugging. "I really wish I could read the words that just appeared in my bed room," he said. "This seems to be becoming a regular thing." Just so you know, the words spelled out "Day Two" in scripty white letters, but Roxas had never learned how to read or write as a child. 

After an implied time skip to later in the morning/day/perpetual twilight, Roxas is wandering around town, lost, because he couldn't read the street signs. Still muttering about keyblades, he stopped, looked around and found a stick. He pointed at it and said, "Keyblade." Picking it up, he swished it around like a sword and said confusedly, "Keyblade?" Shrugging when it didn't do anything but be a stick, he threw it behind him and it hit Ri--an axe murderer. In black clothing. What the hell?

Being the stupid naïve boy he is, Roxas apologized rather than running from the strange person watching him from the shadows (aw, Roxas has his first stalker!). The man walked away and Roxas blinked. Assuming that he did some more walking and more time passed after this encounter, Roxas entered the sleezy back alley where Christine, Lola, and Frank were eating ice cream bars and talking about him behind his back. 

Christine handed him one of the "special" popsicles that was laced with the "special" flavor powder. He sat down as Lola slurped his ice cream down in one mouthful and started on his fifth. Christine was a little turned on by the fact that Lola could fit all that ice cream in his mouth at once. 

"Do you think we'll always be together like this?" Lola asked suddenly. 

"I sure hope so," Christine replied, lost in his own dreamland fantasy world. 

"Wait, what?" Frank asked, watching as Christine wiped drool from his chin. 

"Nothing." He looked at Lola. "Where did that come from?"

"Yeah, well, you know. Just thinking. Out loud."

Roxas looked at Lola in disbelief. "You have enough brain cells to _think_! Really? Awesome, congratulations, man!"

Lola glared at Roxas. "Yeah, well, why don't you just go out and tell me the name of the street we're on, Roxas? Oh wait, you can't, that's right. Because you can't READ."

"Why do always say the words you know will hurt me?"

"Well, I doubt we can be together forever," Christine said, ignoring the bitch fight. "But isn't that what growing up is all about?"

Lola and Roxas stopped glaring daggers at each other to listen to Christine try to sound heart-warming. "What's important isn't how often we see each other, but how often we think about each other, right?"

Lola started laughing. "Get that off a fortune cookie?"

"That's it, no more ice cream for you," Christine huffed. "Man, today's turning out to be a drag."

"Maybe because of yesterday's memory thief," Frank suggested, licking her ice cream bar suggestively at Roxas. 

"No, you know what it is?" Christine said, completely ignoring Frank. "We don't want summer vacation to end!" Lola, Frank, and Roxas could feel Christine starting one of his rants and settled down to ignore him. "So why don't we all go to the beach? Why go to the beach?" he asked the air. "Because we haven't gone once this whole vacation! Think about it! Blue seas. Blue skies. Let's just get on the train and go!" Christine turned around to look at his friends. "No?"

Roxas smiled at his empty-headed friend. "Maybe you forgot, but…we don't have any money."

"Maybe you forgot, but I'm smart," Christine replied. "Come on." He walked out of the sleezy back alley. 

Roxas, Frank, and Lola looked at each other. 

"I think we never _knew_ you were smart," Frank said as they all followed Christine out. 

Outside in the nasty back alley (not the sleezy one, there's a difference) Roxas met up with the other three who promptly told him they were heading to Market Street and ran off without him. Roxas blinked. Which street was Market Street? He looked up at a sign, but it was all Japanese to him. He wandered off randomly down the first street he saw and it just happened to take him where he needed to go. Lola, Frank and Christine were gathered around a poster advertising something, but Roxas couldn't tell what it was. Christine looked over at him and said, "You and I have to bribe the judges so we make it to the finals! I mean, come on, with a face like yours, who wouldn't want to tap that?"

Roxas stared at him. "Wait. You are not my pimp and I am not your bitch. I belong to AxIII…I can't get into that right now."

"Right, well, we'll clean up and get the prize money! ..And maybe some new customers."

_-cough- We are trying very hard to keep this PG-13. Forgive us if we slip._

"It's a promise," Roxas replied. "Except for the new customers part. I don't do that any more."

"Liar," hissed Frank, who had had him last night. 

"Now let's get down to business," Christine said. "One ticket to the beach is 900 munny. That's how much for all four of us?"

"Wait, wait, I thought that you were smart?" Lola said cruelly. 

"I am. I am full of smartness. Math just doesn't count."

"Riiiight. It's 3600 munny," said Frank. 

Roxas just kind of stared up at the sky and ignored them. 

"And 300 each to spend there. What's that come to?"

"That's 1200. Now let's do some simple math, Christine. What's 36 plus 12?"

"Um…." Christine scratched his blonde head in thought. "Uh… 42?"

"No. No, you raging idiot. It's 48. Oh my god I didn't think you were this dumb. We need 4800 munny."

"Wait, what are we spending munny on?" Roxas asked, finally returning to the land of the thinking. 

"New fishnet stockin—I mean, pretzels, of course! What else is there?"

"Um, like, everything?" Lola replied. 

"There's always watermelon," Roxas said. 

"Roxas, shut up. You aren't allowed to talk any more," Frank said, holding her head in her hands.

"Too pricey. They're, like, a bajillion munny a piece."

Frank and Lola stared at him. "No. Shut up. You can't talk any more either, Christine," said Frank. "Just stop. Before you kill your brain."

"Pretzels it i--"

"What did I say! NO MORE TALKING FROM YOU."

"Yes ma-"

"NO. TALKING."

Roxas hung his head and nodded slowly.

"So where were we?"

"_**NO TALKING,**_" growled Frank. "Anyway, we need 4800 munny. I only have 650."

"I have 800," chipped in Lola, though no one was really listening to him.

Roxas held up his hands to show that he only had 150. He was poor. Nobody liked him because he was poor. Christine opened his mouth to say something, but at a fierce glare from Frank, shut it again and held out his hands in a series of numbers that was something like 1, 6, 3, 10, 48, 73, 563, the letter G, and a pink lint fuzzy. Frank just rifled through his pockets and came up with absolutely nothing. And we thought Roxas was poor. 

"So we have 1600 munny. That means," Frank said with a significant look at Christine, "we need another 3200."

"So let's actually get jobs and earn our munny the honest way," said Lola. No one was listening to him still. 

Christine waved good bye and signaled that he had some business to take care of waiting over on that corner and he would get them his part of the munny soon.

"Right. Well. Let's get some jobs then. 800 munny each!" said Frank, wandering away. 

Roxas looked at the board where Frank had shown him that jobs were posted before, but as he couldn't read, he couldn't tell who needed what done. He decided to wander around town and find someone who looked like they needed help. He delivered mail, beat a wagonload of trash up a hill, put up some posters around town, destroyed a couple of bee hives and got away mostly unscathed, and he also destroyed some junk. This gave him a total of 799 munny. He figured Christine couldn't count so it wouldn't matter if he was a little short. He then spent about forty-five minutes wandering around town trying to find his way to the station. 

When he finally found Christine, everyone else magically appeared out of nowhere and started talking. 

"Added to what we now have," said Frank, holding out her money bag, "we've got 5000 munny!"

"Wait, why did we go over?" asked Lola. 

"I got some extra big tips today," said Christine proudly. 

"Ah. That totally doesn't explain it, but I don't want to know anyway." 

"Let's get the tickets!" Frank gave the money to Roxas and ran off into the station. Lola followed. 

"We can't be together forever," said Christine suddenly in a prophetic voice. "So we need to make the time we do have good." He spun around and laughed in Roxas's face. Then he kidney-punched him for no real reason. "Just kidding!" Christine ran off. 

"Ow, my ovaries," said Roxas, clutching his arm. Just as he was reaching the steps, however, he tripped. On a stick. It looked like the one he kept calling 'keyblade' but it was, in fact, not actually there. You'll see. As he slowly got to his knees, Roxas rubbed his face where it had hit the pavement. "Ow, my ulna," he said, checking to make sure all his teeth were still there. 

At that point, Ri—the axe murderer we kindofnotreally met earlier hoisted him up my his arm, paused, and then promptly vanished. Roxas ran inside after his friends who had totally abandoned him. 

Speaking to the ticket person, Christine held up seven fingers. "Four students, please,"

"Roxas, the money," said Lola. 

"What about it?" asked Roxas. "Oh, right, we actually have to pay for our tickets." He began to feel himself up in an attempt to find the money. After about ten seconds of looking, he held out his empty hands and said, "No!"

"It's gone?" asked Lola. 

Roxas flashed back to the guy picking him up. "I bet that guy took it," he said, running for the door.

"Who, you mean Ri---I mean, what guy?" asked Frank. 

"When I fell. The guy that picked me up. I bet he took it!"

"Dude, there was no guy."

"Wait, but, huh? I'm reasonably sure I wasn't hallucinating again…was I?"

The all turned to watch as the train they wanted left the station without them. 

_Wow it sucks to be them._

_Toooootally. Why would you give it to Roxas?_

_Because you're stupid. That's the only reason._

_Because I'm stupid?_

_No, They're stupid. Just shut up and play the game._

_But it's a cut scene! That's paused!_

_Don't care! Twiddle the little analog sticks then, if it will make you happy._

_Fiiiine. Then you start typing the story._

_Fine!_

_Fine!_

_Right then._

_TYPE THE DAMN STORY. _

"Way to fail us, Roxas," said Christine as he walked by. 

After an unknown amount of time passed, they were all magically sitting up on top of the clock tower. We can't figure out how they got there, but whatever. They sat up on the ledge, licking their ice cream (it's a miracle they aren't all fat) and Roxas was just sitting there, letting his melt onto the heads of passersby below them. 

"It's melting," said Frank. 

"That's the point," replied Roxas. He was too busy flashing back to when Ri---the axe murderer had picked him up. "Can you feel Sora?" he—the axe murderer, that is—had asked. Roxas was really confused. Who was Sora? Was it a girl? Sora sounded like a girls' name. He wondered if Sora was hot. 

The scene fuzzed out to a static-y screen as a voice said "Probability factor of 72:1 against and falling!"

"Hurry, Namine!" said almost-but-not-quite-sexy-voice-man's almost, but not quite, sexy voice. 

The axe murderer named RiiiiANSI can't tell you yet stood in a corner tossing the munny bag he'd totally pick-pocketed from Roxas up and down in his hand. "Is it really that hard to make a beach?" he asked in a voice that was deeper than but not quite as sexy as almost-sexy-voice-man's voice.

"It would give the enemies another entry point," said almost-but-not-really-sexy-voice-man. Upon further observation, you can see his head, wrapped in red bandages. It's a ---

_Yes! He's becoming red-bandage-man!_

_He should be the Red Bandage Bandit._

_I am totally cool with that._

…_Awesome._

--- daring fashion statement.

"You're such a jerk," said deeper-but-not-sexier-axe-murderer-voice-man. "But what about this?" Axe Murderer held out the munny pouch.

"We can always buy some sea-salt ice cream, aha ha ha."

Yes, The Red Bandage Bandit is an asshole. 

Once more the world faded to black and Roxas was viewing that trippy color-mirage of the brown-haired kid talking to a really butch-looking woman with a fin. Something about being a key bearer and not messing in other worlds. There was also a really busty girl with red hair talking about getting somewhere someday, and a short, fat satyr (look it up on Wikipedia) dubbing the brunette boy &co junior heroes. What the hell? The duck seemed to take exception to the "junior" part. 

His hallucination then skipped to a ratty looking street urchin setting some fat blue guy free. Also, there was a skeleton talking to a rag doll. What the hell. The Brunette did some fancy twirling with his giant key and slammed it into the ground. There was this giant dra—oh, wait, sorry, he was actually pretty puny. Mushu? Something like that. But then he was in this amoeba-looking place type thing facing a silver-haired kid (don't ask, we couldn't figure out what was up with the hair either) apparently named Riku who calls him Sora and teases him. Hey, he has a name now! Yay!

But then Sora is in a big wooden area with his meatshield—I mean, his buddies and a guy dressed in green spandex tights. He says something about not believing it's really not butter, but the he remembered he was in the wrong commercial for that and wanted to tell Kai—something. But yeah, that didn't work right then because the Trippy Flashback Static took over and switched him to a hot blonde guy talking about not losing sight of his light. But that didn't last long either and then Sora was standing on a hill with some talking stuffed animals. Something about finding his friends. Yeah, he fails at that too.

But then he's on a ship talking to Riku about where his meatshi---buddies Donald and Goofy are. But Riku says he should be worrying about 'her'. When he moves aside to show Sora who 'her' is, the scene skips to something reminiscent of The Ring and all you see is some red-haired chick. She looks kind of drugged. 

And again, the screen was static and faded out to a familiar scene….

The dark room was lit by computers. The Red Bandage Bandit sat in front of them, egging someone on. "Come on, get in the room so I can wall you in! I don't care if you have to pee, get in the goddamn room!"

He really liked The Sims. 

The world was suddenly white, and a pale blonde chick (remember her from the Opening/prologue? She's baaaaaaaaaaack) was standing in front of something that looked like a bleached artichoke. A male voice that sounded sort of like Sora only not said, "Who are you?" 

She turned around as the world turned dark and said slowly, "I…am….your _father_." 

"Wait, what?"

----

Karuke: So Naruke has spring break this week and I have the feeling we'll pump out a few chapters for you all to enjoy. I might hoard them to release slowly as the school year picks up, though. Just so you know. 

Naruke: Whoooooooo! We are so going to get killed for this chapter.

Karuke: Yeah we are. By the way, everyone say hi to our guest author/helper/minion/person… Kori. Despite a girly-sounding name like that, Kori is actually a dude. And he's pretty awesome. 

Naruke: And he's Karuke's minion.

Karuke: Such a faithful minion. He pleases me so.

Kori: Hey, Karuke, doesn't she look like Riku?

Karuke: GAH! –twitchtwitchspaz-

Kori: Oh man, did you hear her neck crack?

Karuke: DIE.

Kori: Shut up. You know you like those pancakes. 

Karuke: -twitches spastically and falls over unconscious, foaming at the mouth-

Naruke: I think you killed her.

Kori: I'm freeeeee! –flees for his life-


	4. Roxas Fails At Life

Chapter 3:

Chapter 3: Roxas Fails at Life

OR

No One Else Understands This, Either

Note from Karuke: During Day 3, you find out Roxas's friends' names. They're actually Hayner (the blonde), Pence (the short fat one), and Olette (the only girl). But because we really like the names Christine, Lola, and Frank, we're keeping them. They're funnier anyway. Love and Peace!

Roxas woke up suddenly, very disturbed that once again he had passed out somewhere other than his home and yet he still managed to wake up in his bed every time. Seeing something out of the corner of his eye, he turned and saw the pale blonde chick. Awww, Roxas has a FEMALE stalker now. She disappeared without further ado.

Making his way to the sleezy back alley, Roxas found a note from his friend Christine.

Roxas,

Meet us at the station! We're going to the beach today, and don't worry about the money.

--Christine

P.S. Don't forget to forget your bathing suit, there's a nudist beach!

Roxas stared blankly at the letter, but as he couldn't read, he didn't understand what was trying to be said. Shrugging, he headed for the station, figuring that Christine would probably be there, trying to get new 'customers.'

On his way there, Roxas ran into Lola and Frank. They were on their way to the station as well, but when Roxas went to talk to them, he discovered them to be frozen. What the hell. Not like, you know, covered in ice, but like, not moving. Weird.

He ran down the hill towards them (he was thinking something along the lines of cow-tipping) but stopped short when the stalker from that morning appeared.  
"Hiii Roxaaaaaas!" she said.  
"Um. Hi?"  
"I just wanted to sniff your bu—I mean meet you. Just once."  
"Riiiiiiight."  
"KayIloveyoubyebye!" She sashayed off down the hill. Once out of Roxas's sight, she was accosted by a large, imposing black woman who said she could be Twilight Town's next top model! All she had to do was sell her soul. And stop eating. Forever.  
The stalker chick thought about for a moment, but becoming Twilight Town's next top model meant that she would have to stop stalking Roxas. She declined.  
"What the hell?" Roxas looked around. Was there some hidden camera somewhere he just couldn't see?  
"Frank dragged me along to go shopping," said Lola. "She wanted a gay's I mean a guy's opinion."  
"Wanna come with?" asked Frank.  
"Wait, but the stalker chick, she was just-and you were-but-huh?"  
Lola sniggered. "Oh Roxas you don't have to make up invisible friends to impress us, we already know you suck at life."  
"But-and-I-she-keyblade?"  
"Let's go, Lola." The two sashayed off.  
What the hell.  
"Hey, I bet the stalker chick went to that haunted mansion. ALL the stalkers hang out there." Roxas paused. "And the pedophiles. I'm young and cute, but they won't hurt me like last time. I'm sure." And he ran off down the hill after the stalker chick.

And then…magic happened.

In a startlingly short amount of time, Roxas made it through the entire city to a huge freaking crack in some random wall that led to a forest. Cause that's totally not strange at all. He was almost raped by some dark smoke that then flew off a bit and formed some sort of swirly blue-black portal of Doom. Some more Mr. McStretchywhiteguys came out of it and ATTACKED!  
Roxas did like any hero and ran for his life.  
Seifer and his gang of ne'er-do-wells were chilling on the street corner selling some candy. "Hey, chicken wuss," said Seifer snidely.  
But right then, Roxas had to stop running like an hero, because more McStretchywhiteguys were coming down the other way. Towards him. He was surrounded.  
"Who are these people?" asked Dumb.  
"I dunno, but they've already crossed the line!" Seifer replied to his large, brainless companion.  
"What line?" asked Dumber.  
"Find a weapon!" Seifer ignored his idiots.  
Roxas looked around frantically and just happened to find a paddle on the ground. Not like a boat paddle, I mean a spanking paddle. He squared off against Mr McStretchy and totally managed to fail. He got his ass whooped and went flying. But then, magically, everyone was doing that "Hey, look, I'm frozen!" thing and the stretchy white guys were saying something about Stop, Hammer Time. They also sashayed in a circle around the frozen people.

From atop a nearby building, Stalker Chick shouted down, "Roxas! Use the keyblade!"  
Roxas stared. "How did you get up there?"  
"Magic."  
"Oh, that totally explains it—NOT. WHAT THE HELL."  
"Look, just use the keyblade, dumbass."  
Roxas looked around and picked up a stick off the ground. "Keyblade?" He waved it and looked up at the girl.  
Stalker Chick slammed her head into her palm and sighed. "Why am I stalking such a dumbas…?" She sighed again and looked down. "Yes, sure, use the stick. Dumbass."  
"It's a keyblade!"  
"IT'S A STICK, IDIOT."  
Suddenly a tall, dark bald man appeared in a leather trench coat with mirrored sunglasses. "Neo, use the Matrix."  
"…." Roxas held up the stick. "But this is a keyblade!" And suddenly the McStretchywhiteguys were attacking him and then the Matrix took Roxas.  
The scary bald man smirked at a job well done and disappeared again.

The Matrix released Roxas onto a stained-glass platform that featured the brown-haired kid from his we--dreams. In front of him floated a Sword, a Shield, and some sort of freaky Beating Stick. Roxas ran up to the sharp, pointy thing. He liked sharp pointy things, so he picked it up out of the air. A voice in his head asked, "Is strength really that important?"  
Roxas thought about it a moment and nodded vigorously as he tried to stab his own foot. But the Matrix took the sharp pointy thing and turned it into a sti--keyblade. A real keyblade. Not a stick. It was a sword, but now it's a keyblade. Roxas will call it a stick anyway. Don't be fooled. He's a sashaying dumbass. Kthx.

But somehow, the matrix had taken some of the stretchy white dudes and deposited them in front of Roxas, where he was hefting his Stickblade proudly. And so, he did what any normal person confronted with stretchy white things would do. He fought them. And won. It wasn't hard, their backs were turned.  
But as he turned around to look at the other floating objects, a treasure chest appeared on the edge of the platform. Roxas ran to it and accidentally kicked it over the side. He peered down into the infinite darkness and shrugged. A booming voice above him spoke suddenly and it said, "EPIC FAIL, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT 200. Try Again? Y/N"  
Roxas blinked. "Why?"  
Another treasure chest fell from the sky, only this time, it hit Roxas in the head because he was standing where it was trying to land. This one also fell over the side. Roxas shrugged and followed the chest over the side of the platform. It was dark. He thought he might be falling, but he wasn't sure.  
"YOU LOSE AT LIFE, YOU DUMBASS. TRY AGAIN? Y/N"  
"….I'm so confused."

And then Roxas was standing on the platform again with a chest in front of him at the edge. He stuck his keyblade into the lock and tried to twist it, waiting to hear a click as the tumblers inside the lock lined up, but the key wouldn't move. He tugged at it, but the treasure chest came with the key. He picked up the chest on the end of the key and waved it around, trying to get it unstuck. Maybe he was trying a little too hard, because as he flailed, the keyblade came out of his hand, chest and all, and flew over the edge of the platform. Roxas watched them sink into the shadows.  
The voice boomed out once again. "OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT. LOOK, WE ONLY HAD THREE CHESTS. THAT WAS THE LAST ONE. JUST GTFO."  
"But what was in the chest?"  
"IT WAS MUNNY. A TON OF MUNNY. I THINK I PUT, LIKE, FIFTY BILLION MUNNY IN THERE. WAY TO SCREW UP."  
"But I neeeeeed that money! I'm poor!"  
"TOO BAD, DUMBASS. WAY TO FAIL. GTFO."  
A door appeared then behind Roxas and a softer, deeper voice in his head said, "Be careful. Beyond that door lies a completely different world."

But as the voice spoke, a song was starting in the background. Something familiar to Roxas, yet not quite.  
_Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world.  
__She took a midnight train going anywhere.  
_"But don't be afraid. Don't stop walking."  
_Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit.  
__He took a midnight train going anywhere.  
_Roxas stood there, trying to listen to the voice in his head as well as the song that was playing. There was another door, and Roxas walked through it.

Words appeared floating in front of him, spelling out "Station of Calling"  
_A singer in a smokey room  
__A smell of wine and cheap perfume  
__For a smile they can share the night  
__It goes on and on and on and on  
_He ran up a ramp that led to another platform, where he was accosted by more stretchy white guys. After defeating them, he saw a box. Walking over to it, he tried to tap it sharply with his Stickblade, but it went transparent and a voice said "HA, FOOLED YOU." The box disappeared.  
_Strangers waiting up and down the boulevard  
__Their shadows searching in the night  
__Streetlight people, living just to find emotion  
__Hiding somewhere in the night_

Roxas ran up another ramp onto a third platform, fought some more McStretchies, and looked at the door. He knocked on it, kicked it, and tapped it with his keyblade. It would not open. So he walked at it. It opened.  
_Working hard to get my fill  
__Everybody wants a thrill  
__Paying anything to roll the dice  
__Just one more time  
_As he left the door, it closed behind him with an ominous thud. And then it disappeared. Forever. Behind Roxas, so he couldn't see it, one of the black-cloaked people stood for a moment, and then disappeared. In their place, white tendrils of….something were shooting out of the ground and something shaped like a crab claw reached for Roxas. He still just kind of stood there looking around like a dumbass, totally ignorant of the stuff going on behind him. But he finally turned around when the thing picked him up and stuck him in the air with some sort of electrical magic.  
_Some will win, some will lose  
__Some were born to play the blues_

After a long, dramatic fight with lots of reaction commands and annoying cut-scene-like animation, Roxas defeated the Mr. McStretchybossguy. As the thing fell like a dead tree, Roxas fell to his knees and prayed not to get hit by anything inappropriate. Luckily, he was just crushed under the abdomen. On the platform around them burst up some more of that blue-black evil swirly stuff and Roxas found himself on his back in a puddle of it, twitching violently.  
Stalker chick saved him, however, by reaching out of nowhere and pulling him into a white room. Nor _her_ white room, but another one.  
_Oh, the movie never ends  
__It goes on and on and on and on  
_"Huh?"  
She put a finger to her lips and licked it provoc—I mean, she shushed him. "My name is Namine." There was a long awkward silence. "Roxas… Do you remember your true name."  
_Don't stop believing  
_Out of nowhere, Axe Murderer Man from the last chapter appeared and grabbed Namine's arm. "That's enough, Namine."  
"But if nobody tells him, he'll never--!"  
_Hold on to the feeling  
_"Perhaps it's best that he does not know the truth."  
Roxas suddenly snapped back into consciousness and pointed at Axe Murderer. "Hey! You're that pickpocket!"  
Axe Murderer motioned, made a portal and shoved Roxas in.  
_Streetlight people_

Roxas awoke flat on his stomach on the ground. His butt hurt, like he had fallen on it, or… right, never mind. He heard Seifer's voice nearby, as well as Dumb and Dumber telling him to strike a pose.  
"Strike a pose, ya know?"  
Roxas stood up twitchily. "What's going on?"  
"Picture, ya know?" said Dumb.  
Roxas twitched again.  
"Those white guys are gone."  
"Cakewalk," said Dumber.  
"Who were those guys, anyway?" asked Roxas, hypothetically.  
"They were outsiders, that's who. And they crossed the line. And if they don't wise up to the rules around here—"  
"Wait, what line?" asked Roxas.  
"—I might have to take 'disciplinary measures'."  
"Seifer takes care of Twilight Town, ya know?" said Dumb.  
Roxas punched Dumb in the face. "Hey, hey, did you see my FIST in your FACE, YA KNOW?!" Dumb was passed out on the ground and didn't answer.  
But Roxas turned around and saw Christine, Lola, and Frank standing there watching. After a second, Christine sashayed off, followed by the other two.  
"Hey, wait up!" Roxas ran after them, ignoring Seifer's comment about some tournament.

Back in the Sleazy Back Alley, Christine was drowning his sorrows in ice cream. Roxas walked in and looked around. The atmosphere seemed to be a little more tense than normal.  
"So you hung out with Seifer today," said Christine miserably.  
"What? No!" Roxas blustered in his own defense. "That's not how it was!"  
Christine remained huffily silent.  
"So, uh, how was the beach?" Asked Roxas.  
"…Smooth recovery, loverboy," murmured Lola as Christine turned away.  
"Wait, but I'm not-"  
"He's being reserved for Ax-"  
"SPOILER!"  
"What?" Frank looked at Roxas.  
Roxas coughed. "Nothing. Anyway. Why don't we go tomorrow?"  
"I promised I'd do someo—I mean, be somewhere," Christine huffed.  
"Oh." Roxas looked downtrodden, like a boyfriend whose apology had been rejected. "Oh!" And then, there was a flashback.

_Lola, Frank and Christine were gathered around a poster advertising something, but Roxas couldn't tell what it was. Christine looked over at him and said, "You and I have to bribe the judges so we make it to the finals! I mean, come on, with a face like yours, who wouldn't want to tap that?"  
__Roxas stared at him. "Wait. You are not my pimp and I am not your bitch. I belong to AxIII…I can't get into that right now."  
_"_Right, well, we'll clean up and get the prize money! ..And maybe some new customers."  
_"_It's a promise," Roxas replied. "Except for the new customers part. I don't do that any more."_

Roxas snapped out of his trippy flashback mode with a guilty look.  
Christine stood up in a huff and said, "I'm out of here" before sashaying out into the street.  
Roxas sighed as the screen became fuzzy and turned to static as the computer-girl voice said, "Probability of 52:1 against and falling!"

Meanwhile, the Red Bandage Bandit and Axe Murderer were hanging out in that room with the computer that they always hang out it.  
"Was that Namine made of data?" asked Axe Murderer.  
"No… Namine hijacked the data herself! Look at what she's done, she's completely beyond my control!" R.B.B. smacked his fist on one of the control panels next to him and immediately pulled it back, shaking it and wincing. "Crap that hurt."  
Axe Murderer raised an arm in case he needed to knock out Bandage Bandit. "Good grief, calm down. The kid's so stupid he'll probably forget that she even talked to him."  
"It doesn't matter," said R.B.B., sucking his fist ruefully. "As long as Namine does what she's supposed to and stops stalking the idiot, it doesn't matter what happens to Roxas."

Back in Roxas's head, there were more static-trippy-fuzzy-strange-confusing-dream-hallucinations. So many people were talking at once that Roxas couldn't keep up with what they were saying. But he woke up in bed and sat up. He was proud of himself because this time, he hadn't passed out before having the strange hallucinations. "Right…. Promise…" He swung his hand around in the air, imagining the stick in it. "This is such a mess…" he groaned.

--

Karuke: So we've finally posted another chapter.  
Naruke: Wow we took forever.  
Karuke: It's all Kori's fault.  
Kori: Hey!  
Naruke: … Totally all his fault.  
Kori: Not cool. GUT SHANK.  
Naruke+Karuke: -clutch their sides in pain-  
Kori: And since they're being wussy, I'll announce this chapter's Ultra Random Special Fact. –pulls out a card and reads from it- "The theme of this chapter features the words 'sashay' which means ' to strut or flounce in a showy manner' and 'dumbass'. I think we all know what dumbass means.  
Karuke: -still nursing her sides- Right. Oh man. We totally turned this chapter into a song fic.  
Naruke: We totally did. By the way, the only reason we did that was "Don't stop walking" made me think of "Don't stop believing" and it just….ended up in the fic.  
Karuke: Don't try and understand our logic. Just accept the strangeness and go with the flow.  
Kori: … ya know?  
Karuke+Naruke: …. DOUBLE GUT SHANK OF RETRIBUTION.  
Kori: O Ow.


	5. ADD We Has It

Chapter 4:

Chapter 4: Wow. Short.

OR

ADD. We Has It.

NOTE:

Naruke: We totally know the first paragraph is posted in the last chapter at the very end. But seeing as someone coughs pointedly is lazy, this is just a recap.

Karuke: Hey! Leave my slovenly writing habits alone!

Kori: … opts to stay out of it

Back in Roxas's head, there were more static-trippy-fuzzy-strange-confusing-dream-hallucinations. So many people were talking at once that Roxas couldn't keep up with what they were saying. But he woke up in bed and sat up. He was proud of himself because this time, he hadn't passed out before having the strange hallucinations. "Right…. Promise…" He swung his hand around in the air, imagining the stick in it. "This is such a mess…" he groaned.

Roxas sat up and looked up at his ceiling. The words 'The 4th Day' zoomed around his room, posed for a glamour shot, and then zoomed out his window, smacking him on the face on the way out. "Ow," he muttered, rubbing his cheek.

An assumed timeskip later, and Roxas was dressed and running from the cops—wait, no, he was just running. He stopped at a strange noise. "Is that time travel…?" But no, it was not time travel, it was Mr. Clotheshopownerman. He told Roxas to hurry to the sandlot because he was going to be late. Roxas scratched his head at this, as he could not remember making any plans for that day.

Roxas arrived and looked around at the ravening crowd. "What the hell…?" There were people standing on the rooftops. Like it was a normal thing. Riiiiiiiiight.

There was a fat man standing on the strange with a funky mustache talking about some dude named Setzer. Everyone cheered wildly like the fanboys and girls they were.

The shop dude did some teleportation and ended up in the middle of the ring. "So! Let's introduce today's combatants. The four bad boys who struggled their way through the preliminaries! Two of which made it by sleeping with the judges!"

_Karuke: snickers Oh man. Classic dialogue._

_Naruke: That we totally added. _

_Kori: Note we didn't tell you what gender the judges are._

_Naruke: but they were totally guys I mean—_

_Karuke: okay, come on, let's keep going_

"Mr. Line-enthusiast himself: Seifer!"

Seifer ignored the crowd and glared at the announcer. "That prick just crossed the line!"

"Ya know!" said Dumb.

"Line?" asked Dumber.

"Oh-my-god-is-that-a-face-on-your-hat-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me, Vivi!"

Vivi twitched.

"And underground favorite and a local stripper with a damn fine body: Christine!"

Christine rolled his neck languidly and tossed his hair.

"Fourth and newcomer to the Struggle, a boy that counts me as his favorite customer, Roxas!"

Roxas posed with a finger to his cheek and a shy smile.

"So, who will be the first to strip for the prize? And that prize is…. Cake!" He gestured to a large opaque glass thing on the judges' table that everyone assumed hid a cake of magnificent proportions. "But before the contest begins, I suggest you all read the official tournament rules."

Roxas raised his hand. "Can you read them to me please?"

"…" The announcer stared at him. "No. I will not read you the rules."

Roxas stared blankly at the rules on the wall and then walked over to the fat guy. "Ready!" he said.

Christine glared at him.

"Hey, sorry about yesterday," Roxas mumbled.

"What? Oh, hey, I totally forgot. Thanks for reminding me, douchebag."

"O-oh. You forgot? Ehe…hehe… heh… Hey, look over there!"

"Huh?" Christine turned to look where Roxas was pointing.

Roxas attempted to flee, but was unable to escape due to Christine's Mean Look!

Christine turned around. "Oh, hey, Roxas. What are you doing up here?"

"…" Roxas sighed.

"Ready! Struggle!" yelled the fat man.

--

Karuke: This is just a shortie. We're so ADD right now it's not even funny anymore. ZOMG MANSEX. HEART PLUSHIE. … I Totally meant 'Xemnas' o.o;

Naruke: -giggling- No you didn't….

Kori: We totally started this, like, three hours ago.

Karuke: ADD.

Naruke Uses Focus! Naruke's ADD sharply decreases!

Karuke uses Foresight! Karuke Identifies Naruke!

Naruke attempts to flee, but cannot escape!

Kori uses Hyperbeam!

Kori's attack misses!

Karuke: Right, well, that's enough of that.

Naruke: … Bye!

Naruke uses Teleport! Naruke escapes!

Karuke: oo; How did she do that?

Kori: … Like this.

Kori uses Teleport! Kori's attack fails!

Karuke: Only totally not.

Kori: … GUTSHANK.

Karuke: AAAH.

Kori uses Teleport! Kori escapes!

Karuke: … Guys? –looks around- Guys? This is totally not funny. Hello?

On a serious note, this is really just a few paragraphs to let you know we're alive. Everyone's done their college stuff. Wait. Sorry. I lied. NARUKE is still taking finals. –glare- Anyway. We'll be actually posting for real by the end of the week.

Hopefully.


	6. GET ON WITH IT

Chapter 4

Chapter 4.2: That Day That Lasts For Frickin' Ever.

OR

GET ON WITH IT!

Roxas beat Christine to a pulp. Needlessly. It was an epic battle.

Then he had to fight 'Oh-my-god-is-that-a-face-on-your-hat-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me', also known as Vivi. Vivi took his bat and waddled off, and Roxas prepped for a fight. Which he didn't really need to do, because Vivi was a pansy fight and he won by default by getting all the orbs.

But then Vivi did something strange. He froze time. And by froze time, we mean, everything. Then he started glowing, and turned in a Mr. McStretchywhiteguy.

_Naruke: Vivi evolved into Mr. Mcstretchywhiteguy! Mr. Mcstretchywhite guy wants to learn Pwn! But Mr. Mcstretchywhiteguy can only learn four moves. Delete an older move to make room for Pwn?_

_Kori: … Do not learn Pwn._

_Karuke: Mr Mcstretchywhiteguy did not learn Pwn. _

And Roxas beat their stretchy white asses. It took a lot out of him, though. And then he turned to see someone in a black cloak. "Way to go Roxas. Good job."

Roxas glared at the dude.

"You really don't remember do you, you bass-ackwards idiot." He flipped off his hood, displaying bright red hair and a come-hither look. "I'm Axel."

"OH MY GOD YOU HAVE A NAME NOW." Roxas stared at him. "Wait, I don't know where that came from. But damn you're hot."

"Why, thank you. But I actually came here to bring you back to my master."

"No, don't go back there, I bet he beats you. I'll treat you better, come to me!"

_Karuke: -cough- This is where the yaoi comes in._

_Naruke: heeheeheeheehee…_

_Kori: …Even I will admit that this is not misplaced. They are obviously connected somehow._

_Karuke: … through the butt. _

Axel made some special spikey wheels appear and twirled them artistically.

"Wait, tell me what's going on."

"This town is his creation, right?" Axel looked around. "We can't do anything here without him seeing. Sorry."

"But, what if we hide in a building?"

"No. Sorry, not right now. Maybe later, before I di--"

"SPOILER."

"Right, sorry. Anyway."

The world around Roxas got all swirly and confused and then he was fighting that sexy Greek god Axel.

"BURN!" Axel did some special things and set Roxas on fire. But Roxas stopped, dropped, and rolled. Then he leapt up, and whacked Axel in the back of the head.

"That smarts!" Axel said before fainting.

And then, out of nowhere (it was the matrix again), Red Bandage Bandit appeared. Axel threw his flaming special spikey things at him, but they DISAPPEARED WTF.

"Roxas!" said RBB, totally ignoring him. "This man speaks nonsense!"

"Don't listen to him, Roxas!" exclaimed Axel.

"Roxas!"

"Roxas!"

"Roxas!"

"Roxas!"

"Roxas!"

"Roxas!"

"Roxas!"

"Roxas!"

"Roxas!"

"Snagglepuss!"

"Wait, what?" Roxas stared at Axel.

Axel blinked. "Wait, but that's your nickname. I thought you liked pet names."

"Huh but wha-?" But just then, the world did some more swirly things and Roxas clutched his head and started to collapse. At the last second, he stood up, threw his right hand into the air, and screamed, "MOON PRISM POWER MAKE-UP!" Then he froze. "Wait. Wtf was that?"

There was a blinding flash of light and suddenly everything came un-frozen and people were cheering for him, because he'd hospitalized Vivi. Christine, Frank, and Lola ran up onto the stage and tackled him.

"Everyone give a big round of applause for Roxas, the new Struggle Champion!" No one knew why the announcer said this, because they were already applauding.

And then there was a bunch of high-pitched girls voices all chanting "Seeeeeeeetzeeeeeeeer"

Roxas was intent on beating this purple-clad gay man. So he walked over to the fat guy and waited for him to start the fight. "May the best man win!" It wasn't a long wait.

"Oi, peon. Throw the match and I'll give you a quickie."

"Roxas! Focus!" Christine called.

_Karuke: Roxas used Focus!_

_Kori: Roxas' attack sharply increased!_

"Let me win and I'll make it worth your while."

"No! My heart and virginity are being saved for Axel!"

Setzer stared balefully down at him. "Whatever you think is right, you're wrong."

"What if I think you're right, does that make me wrong?"

Setzer walked up and smacked Roxas across the face with his struggle bat.

--

Roxas stood over Setzer and twirled his bat. "So if I think I won, does that make me wrong?" he kicked him in the gut and walked away.

Roxas walked over to the table where the cake was set and slowly pulled up the opaque glass lid that sat on the delicately formed silver platter. On the platter inside was a card.

"This is a lie?" Roxas read out loud.

"As a surprise gift," said one of the judges, holding out a cd. "This is TM π, Teleport. You can teach it to a human and it will allow you to teleport to any place you want."

"…Awesome." Roxas held the CD up to his forehead and it began to glow slightly. Then it began to be absorbed into his head, and Roxas looked around at everyone as it happened. They just kind of stared back at him. As the last edge of the disc slid home into his skull, Roxas suddenly screamed like a little girl. "OH MY GOT IT HURTS! WHY, GREAT MERCIFUL GOD IN HEAVEN! MAKE THE BURNING STO—Oh. Hey, that wasn't so bad."

Axel appeared out of nowhere. "You called?"

Roxas struggled with himself for a minute not to tackle and strip the man on the spot. "I said Merciful God, not Sexy God of All that is Hot."

"Oh. Okay." And Axel disappeared again. And Roxas looked around at everyone.

And he teleported. With his friends. To the top of the Mountain to the fires of Mount Doom!

I mean. To the clock tower. Totally. And on the way there, he teleported some ice cream bars. They sat on the edge. Well, Roxas stood. And slipped. And fell over the edge. Smaaaaaart.

Everything faded to static for a while, and then to black.

Elsewhere….

A girl with longish hair in a really inappropriate school uniform wandered down a street.

"Kai--, wait up!" yelled another girl wearing an equally inappropriate uniform. "Hey, do you feel like going out to the island?" She flipped her 50's 'do and smiled. "Tidus and Wakka are all wrapped up in their 'ballgame' and won't pay attention to me." She grinned. "I promise I won't try to molest you as much this time."

"Um… No."

"Come on, it'll be fun…"

"Hey," said Kai-- in an attempt to change the subject. "Do you remember those boys who used to hang out with us?"

"You mean the gay ones?"

"They're all gay."

"I mean the really gay ones."

"Oh, Riku. Yeah, I remember him."

"I wonder what happened to him? I miss him."

"You miss his fashion tips and the slumber parties."

Kai-- ignored this. "He's far away, but I know we'll see him again soon."

"Suuuuuure. Of _course_ we will." Selphie rolled her eyes.

"And the other boy…"

"Um, _what_ other boy?"

"The other really gay one."

"Who?"

"The one who used to play with Riku and me all the time."

"Oh, yeah. 'Played.'" Selphie made air-quotes around the word.

"Well, he played mostly with Riku and left me alone by myself on the other side of the island. But… His voice always used to be there. Now it's gone."

"Voice…?"

"Yeah. He was always yelling Riku's name. And… it almost sounded like he was wounded or something, with all the moa--"

"Riiiight." Selphie nodded. She didn't want to know the details.

"I don't remember a damn thing about him. I feel kind of bad, but… whatever." Kai-- shrugged. "So I told myself once I get through therapy, I might go back to the island. I still have two years left."

"Are you… sure you didn't… make him up?" Selphie asked.

Then there was another voice in Kai--'s head. Not the usual one that told her to kill people and burn the town. It said, "Namine?" Kai-- rubbed her head, and then the world static-ed out again.

Meanwhile, Roxas was _still _falling. He was too busy thinking about his female stalker to use teleport. "Namine?" he asked. "What's happening?"

More falling.

"Who are you?" a voice answered. "And why are you calling me that?" I'm Kai-."

"Kai--… I know you." He said. "You're that girl he knows."

_Still_ falling.

"Who? Please, a name!"

"I'm Roxas."

"Not _your _name, asshole. _His_ name!"

"You don't remember my name?" said a third voice. "Thanks a lot, Kai--!"

_Naruke: -falls over giggling- I forgot about this! _

_Karuke: That is some serious Disassociative Personality Disorder there._

_Naruke: He is totally split-personality-ing it up. _

_Karuke: …since when did split personality get to be a verb?_

_Naruke: Since—um—TELEPORT. –disappears-_

_Karuke: … wtf._

"Okay, I guess I can give you a hint," the third voice. "Remember those looong nights at the island? When I leeeeeeft you by yourself?"

"Oh, you're _that_ asshole!"

"Well, yeah, but it starts with an 'S', not an 'A'."

Kai-- was totally passed out on the ground. But then she moved, and jumped when she felt a hand under her skirt. "What the hell…?"

Selphie quickly withdrew her hand and pretended to brush Kai— off as she sat up. "Are you okay?" she asked.

They looked out at the sparkly orange ocean and admired the sunset. Kai—looked at Selphie and then suddenly ran off down the street.

Then they were at the edge of the ocean.

"Kai--?" Selphie asked as the other girl crouched down on the wet sand. She let a bottle go into the water and watched the tide carry it out, and then back in again on another wave. Kai—tried again, grabbing the bottle and tossing it out a little further than before. It got brought back again.

"God dammit…" Kai—picked up the bottle and heaved it out into the water as hard as she could. "And STAY there," she said, watching a wave bring it back.

"Oh, Jesus." Selphie picked up the bottle, took three steps back, and flung it out as far as she could. It hit a tree on the island in the distance and stuck there. "Close enough."

"But… now he'll never get it!" Kai—whined.

"Who?"

"That boy I can't remember. I wrote him a letter, even though I can't remember him. I don't know where he lives, or if he's alive, or if he's just a figment of my imagination. But I wrote him a letter anyway, because I know that he's out there somewhere."

"….. Oh my god. Okay then. You do that." Selphie turned around and walked away.

"Right… Vercingetorix? That begins with an 'S,' right?"

The world faded to black because Kai—is a moron and made everyone's brain explode and became staticky. "Probability factor of 21:1 against and falling!"

Red Bandage Bandit sat before his computer. "His progress is astounding."

"So, what happened?" asked Axe Murderer, tossing a ball up and down.

"Namine's encounter with Roxas put his heart in contact with Kai—'s."

"But… didn't that happen two chapters ago?"

RBB ignored that. "And that, in turn, affected Sora."

"Namine… She's a wonder."

"She wasn't born like other nobodies."

"Obviously."

"She can control the hearts of those around her."

"So I see. I'm not blind."

"…Indeed."

"So whose nobody is she?"

"I could tell you, but I'm an asshole, so I won't."

"Aw, come on. I'll tell you my real naaaame…"

"Oh, go on."

"It's ANSEM." Axe Mur—I mean, um, ANSEM slipped off his hood to reveal badly tanned skin and scary yellow eyes that clashed horribly with silver hair.

RBB laughed. "It's an honor, ANSEM."

Aaaand Roxas was _**STILL**_falling.

--  
Karuke: Wow. Longest. Day. EVER.  
Naruke: IT JUST WOULDN'T STOP. I HAD TO KEEP HITTING BUTTONS.  
Kori: Well, we met another dumbass today.  
Naruke: But the game is full of them.  
Kori: Yeah, I know, but we had a REAL dumbass today.  
Karuke: But we already introduced Roxas!  
Kori: Okay, a dumbass who can't spell. Does that make you happy?  
Karuke: SHUT THE HELL UP.  
Kori: But Kai-- has Vercingetorix.  
Karuke: REgardless of her blatant idiocy, I'd like to mention one of our reviewers...  
Narkue: ... 330INSTANITY.  
Karuke: Just so you know, 330, for the future, that when you tell us not to do something...  
Naruke: We will almost always do it. In abundance.  
Kori: Hence this chapter.  
Karuke: Hey, wait. Didn't you teleport, Naruke?  
Naruke: -shifty eyes- Shh! TELEPORT.  
Naruke Disappeared.  
Karuke: God dammit.  
Kori: TELE--  
Karuke: NO! -tackles him to the ground and covers his mouth- Don't you dare!  
Kori- psghjsufyasjg!  
Kori and Karuke Disappear!


	7. Burning Hobos Make Excellent Wonders

Chapter 5:

Chapter 5: ZOMG UPDATED

Or

Burning Hobos Make Excellent Wonders

Aaaand falling. And still falling. Did you know Roxas was falling? Because he was. And then there was falling happening. HEY! A bright flash of light!

And then Roxas sat up in bed. "I'm dreaming…" he muttered. "But which parts were the dream?" He shrugged and stood up. "I feel like skydiving today." The words The 5th Day appeared by his window, but Roxas had already learned to ignore them.

He teleported to the Sleazy Back Alley, where Christine, Frank, and Lola were already hanging out and talking about him behind his back.

"So we actually have to do our summer homework, you know," said Lola randomly.

"Okay?"

"Let's do the 42 Wonders of Twilight Town!" said Frank, getting excited.

"But there's only six worth talking about," said Roxas doubtfully.

Christine shrugged. "Doesn't matter, we can make up enough stuff to fill out a report."

"Yeah, sure! We can do that!" Lola was getting excited about actually being useful. Except that he wasn't really useful. Ever.

"Christine and I can go try and dig up some rumors on the wonders," said Frank, grabbing Christine's hand and dragging him out of the Sleazy Back Alley.

"O…kay."

"Let's head to the station so we can start checking out the wonders!" said Lola, who also ran out and left Roxas alone.

Roxas blinked then followed Lola.

At the station, Roxas got on the train with his friends. The train ride lasted approximately thirty seconds. It was a magic train. But not THE magic train. THE magic train is wonder number six, by the way.

They got off the train and split up. Christine ran off to "meet a client" and Frank followed because she was making a killing selling the videos on the web. Lola looked around. "Well, let's take care of the stairs first."

"Wait, Twilight Town is so boring, one of the 42 wonders is a _flight of stairs_?"

"But they count differently going up and down!"

Roxas blinked. "And how does that work?"

"Well, apparently there are 77 steps going down, and only two going up."

"…" Roxas stared from Lola to the flight of stairs. "I can stand here and count more than two steps up. What the hell."

"Well, okay, it was Dumb, and he is dumb."

"Oh, come on, I can't even read, but I can count to sixteen. Because that's how many there ACTUALLY ARE."

"Whatever, let's just check out the next wonder."

"Oh goody. What's the next wonder?"

"Well, there's always Bigfoot."

"I thought he would be in a mountainous forest somewhere."

"No, Bigfoot is a townie at heart."

And then magic happened because a large hairy thing walked by, scratching his body.

Lola pointed dramatically. "It's Bigfoot!"

Bigfoot threw up his arms and looked around. "What? Where?!" He caught sight of his arms, and screamed like a little girl. "Ahh! I'm Bigfoot! Someone catch me!" and he ran off with his arms flailing in the air.

Roxas and Lola stared after him.

"Was it just me," Lola said after a minute, "or did Bigfoot sound a lot like Dumb?"

"I…I think that was Dumb."

"Another mystery solved! God this town sucks."

"Let's just move on…"

"Well, there's the person with every STD known to man…"

"Yeah, because that sounds interesting."

"They say he hides in the sewer tunnel during the day, and sometimes even takes clients there."

"Clients?"

"Yeah, apparently he gets around."

"….It's a he?"

"So I hear."

"Let's just get this over with…" Roxas sighed. He was beginning to see a trend with these wonders.

The walk to the sewer tunnel took three minutes, even though it was across town. They walk really fast. The two of them walked in, ignored the dim lighting, and found an opening in the tunnel. There, in the corner, stood a short figure with a large yellow hat and blue coat. Roxas and Lola looked at each other.

"It can't be…" Roxas said.

And then, another figure came out of the shadows, stretching and brushing off his knees. "That'll be two-fifty."

Roxas and Lola stared at Christine. "YOU SAID YOU WERE CLEAN!" Lola cried, turning around and running out of the sewer.

Roxas sighed and turned to walk out. "This town is so LAME."

Lola was waiting for him outside. "Let's go see the crazy prophet dude."

"Aaaand where is he?"

"Up on sunset hill."

"Oh god. Okay. So--so why is he called Crazy Prophet Dude?"

"Well, he doesn't remember what his name is, and he picked it out himself."

"…"

"And he's a hobo."

"You know, that actually explains more than it should."

And then more magic happened, they did some really fast walking, and ended up somehow at Sunset Hill. Anyone else notice that everything in this town has something to do with various stages of the sun?

"How y'guys doin?! BACON." The crazy hobo guy waved from his spot on the ground. He lay there on his back, clothed entirely in paper bags and tin foil. There was an antenna coming out of his head.

"Um…" Roxas edged away slowly."

"Sooo… I hear you're the cr-"

"I KNOW ALL AND I SEE ALL FOR I AM THE CRAZY PROPHET MAN. I SEE A PYRO MANIAC IN _YOUR_ FUTURE!" He pointed at Roxas while stilly lying down. Roxas jumped and considered setting the man on fire.

"I ALSO SEE BUTTSECKS FOR THE PYRO IS A MAN. AND _YOU_," he said mystically, rounding (while still on the ground) on Lola, "YOU ARE A LIE. EVERYTHING AROUND YOU ROXAS--"

"How'd he know my name?"

"--IS A LIE!"

And then he burst into flames. Roxas looked startled and looked around. There sat Axel in all his sex-god glory. "Hai guys!"

"Ummomnomnnom… fire… Axel, do you like fire?" asked Roxas, not even wondering where he had come from.

"Haha, you silly boy. Of course I love fire."

"Wait. Maybe that burning hobo may have been on to something."

Crazy Prophet Dude was still on fire, by the way. No sirens had been heard as of yet. Leaving the burning hobo, they walked back down the hill. "So what's next?"

"A mirror that shows you a different version of yourself."

"Aren't those called fun mirrors?"

"Except it's not really a mirror."

"Wait. But how does that work."

"Just like the trolley that has no passengers, and the doors don't open. You know the one that just kind of goes back and forth."

Roxas and Lola did some walking. They came to a ledge. Lola set off to the stairs nearby, but Roxas was tired of this wonders stuff, and just jumped off the ledge. He walked to the random water… thing… near… he didn't know what the hell it was, honestly. He kinda looked at it, walked up to it, and he saw himself.

And then, himself walked out at him. It was tripping on 'shrooms or something, seriously. Roxas was confused as hell. And it walked right through him.

"So wait, was that sex?" Roxas asked himself. "Or… was it masturbation?" He turned around and looked at himself for an answer.

Himself stopped, turned around, and then AIDS ate him or something… we're not sure. He turned black… maybe, well, we don't know. Then the screen turned black, and suddenly, he had to fight Himself. He was kicking his own ass, actually.

And then the matrix started acting up again.

He passed out.

And then Lola walked up. Because those stairs took him forever, man, jeeze. Ever seen a fat person try to climb stairs? Going down is worse. They go even slower because they might overbalance, and you don't want a fat person rolling down a flight of stairs at you.

_Naruke: --starts humming the katamari damacy theme--_

_Kori: --laughing too hard to say much--_

_Karuke: --somehow managing to type everything with a mostly straight face-- This is crackier than normal. _

"Roxas!" yelled Lola. Roxas stood up. "Oh, damn. I was gonna rape you. I mean help you. Help. _Help._"

Roxas stared at him blearily. "What?"

"Uh. Yeah mean, you all right?"

Roxas nodded.

Lola turned to look at the water… thing… whatever. "Now that's spooky!"

"You mean that one of you equals two of me?"

"What? No. The fact that when I stop talking, my mouth keeps moving."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, watch!" Lola stopped talking. His mouth kept moving.

"Daaaaaaamn. That is spooky."

"Told you."

Lola walked away. Roxas turned, but paused. "Another…. Himself?"

Himself looked longingly at Roxas as he walked away.

"You know," Roxas said, looking at Lola. "I really freaking hate you."

"Huh? What? I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I was mesmerized by the wonders that weren't… really… all that wonderful."

"…" Roxas sighed. "I really hate you."

"I understand, say no more!"

Roxas' eye twitched.

"Get ready for wonder number six!"

Out of nowhere, Christine and Frank ran up. "Guys!" Christine was excited about something. "We've got a lead!"

"Was it from one of your clients?" Roxas asked.

"How did you know?"

"Because you TOOK FOREVER."

"He paid well."

"I hate you too. So much."

"The Ghost Train Mystery!" chimed in Frank, like she had actually been part of the conversation.

Roxas' eye twitched again. He was getting tired of these three. A lot. "The… Ghost train…. Mystery?"

"Everybody knows about wonder number six!"

"But… I don't."

Christine got an odd look in his eye. "EEEEVERYBODYYYYY."

"But if everybody knew about number six, why did you have to look up rumors on it?"

Christine just hissed and yelled, "EVERYBODYYYY!"

Roxas rolled his eyes and sighed. "Right. Everyone knew. So did you find out where it runs?"

"Apparently you can see it from Sunset Hill," Frank replied.

And, magically, they were there. Axel was also there, roasting marshmallows over the still-burning corpse of the hobo. No one noticed this.

Christine leaned over the railing. "According to the rumors-"

"That everyone knew, so they weren't really rumors," Roxas said.

"—it should be appearing right about now."

Lola nodded. "There's no conductor, no engineer, no passengers, and no engine."

"Wait, so how does it run?" Roxas asked, staring.

"Death."

"So you mean to tell me if I kill you, it will appear?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh good."

Just then, the train came rumbling down the track. Axel stopped what he was doing because the hobo, still on fire, jumped up, ran to the edge, and leapt over the railing. He fell thirteen feet to the train that was passing. The sparkly, purple train. He hit the top of it, managed not to die, and as the train passed away into infinity and beyond, they heard the flaming hobo shout, "GOOD BYE, SORA! OH, BY THE WAY… YOU'RE GA—" And then the train disappeared.

It was boring up on the hill with no flaming hobo, so they decided to go home. And actually, you know, do their homework. As they were walking (at a normal, non-transport pace for once) they talked.

Lola sighed. "The wonders were all bogus. The end."

Frank shrugged. "I'm sure we can make it look better if we write about all the work we did."

"Well, there was one we forgot to mention…" Lola said. "It's at the old mansion that we forgot to mention because all the hobos live there."

Roxas, tired of hanging with the three idiots, headed there promptly. He stood before the mansion and looked up at it, wondering what was so wonderful about it.

"We were going to look at this place tomorrow," said Lola, coming out of nowhere.

Roxas jumped several feet in the air, whirled around, and slapped Lola upside the head. "WHAT THE HELL?! DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!!"

"It is the most suspicious place," Lola continued, rubbing his bruising cheek.

"I really hate you."

"Even Seifer's gang was gonna help."

"Seifer?"

"Yeah, Christine asked him to."

"So… what're we looking for?"

"They say there's a girl who appears at the second floor window, even though no one's lived here for years."

Suddenly, the world turned white. He was in a white room with white furniture and random pictures on the walls.

"Roxas," said a voice.

"Stalker girl?" He looked at some of the pictures. They were awful. He saw some kind of humanoid picture with blonde hair in it. "Is… that…. Me?" He looked at it closer, squinting his eyes and tilting his head. "And I think that's Axel…"

"Well, you _are_ lovers."

"Hahahahahaha shut up."

"Dude, seriously. I couldn't sleep at night because you two were so damn loud."

"Your lies are like cake. …. Lies."

"But, you kno—"

"Lies."

"I-"

"LIES."

He heard the voice sigh. "YoureallyreallyhateAxel!"

"LIES—Oh, you bitch…"

"Now will you listen to me?"

Roxas sighed. "Fine."

"Do you really want to know who you are?"

"I'm… Roxas? Right? Is this a trick question?"

"Riiiight."

"But I don't understand why the Hobo called me Sora."

"The Hobo was right."

"What?"

"You're Sora. Kind of."

"WHAT?!"

"Bye!" Stalker Girl. disappeared into a swirly black portal of doom.

"I suddenly like I don't know myself at all."

_Kori: And as he says he says that, a closet appears behind him…_

_Karuke: --singing choir-like oh-noises—_

_Naruke: It's ooooo…kay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way_

_Karuke: Hooray for the kind of man you will find in the ga—_

"No." Roxas stood up and glared at the ceiling. "Screw this. I am not. No. Shut up. I refuse." He let the screen fade to white and muttered, "Stupid authors…"

"Sor--ROXAS. I meant Roxas."

Roxas blinked. "Wtf?"

"Did you see her?"

"…. Maybe you didn't hear me. Double-yoo. Tea. Eff."

"Oh, lame. That's just the curtains moving. Must be a draft somewhere. I'm surprised this place even has curtains."

Roxas stared. "Have I mentioned lately how much I hate you?"

They returned to town. Magically, they were up on the clock tower, where Christine was eating ice cream.

"Tomorrow's the last day of summer," Frank said.

"Don't remind me, you'll give me an ulcer!"

"Not if you don't explode from all that ice cream first," Lola said with a laugh.

"Shut up, fatty!"

"What?"

"You heard me!"

Roxas just sighed and decided to look emo.

ELSEWHERE… FOR ONCE.

Black-cloak-man stood in a room with a broken table randomly sitting in the middle of the floor. "Why did you show him the train?"

"Because he didn't go to the beach," Red Bandage Bandit replied, sitting in a random throne-like chair.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"HAHAHahaha what?"

"I really freaking hate you."

"Now… what about you? Are the holes in your memory starting to fill in?"

"Yeah, the haze is clearing now that I took that emo mask off my eyes."

"The same thing is happening to everyone who has ties with Sora."

"I've waited, and now I want to know…. What is it that you want?"

"A blow job. I mean, wait, revenge. No, wait, I really want a blow job. What was I saying?"

"Revenge…"

"Now, for the finishing touches. First, we off the Stalker Girl. She did well with Sora, but she's getting too creepy now. Roxas isn't the only one who is confused about his existence for a reason. I trust you'll be able to take care of it, ANSEM."

Then everything went fuzzy.

"Probability factor of 3:1 against, and falling!" said the random female computer voice.

Oh, and some more of Sora's scrambled memories (HINT, HINT) went through Roxas' head.

Some dude in a black cloak stood in a random street, and some REALLY FREAKING AWESOME HEARTLESS OMGFTW came out of the street and they started fighting.

Riku stood atop the nearest TV tower, cloak-man threw him a keyblade, and they beat up the REALL FREAKING AWESOME HEARTLESS OMGFTW. Riku yelled, "Why do you have a keyblade?!"

Cloak man replied, "SHUT UP!" and beat the hell out of Riku.

Roxas woke up, and rubbed his legs. They were sore from all the walking the previous day. "God dammit… I should have used teleport!"

IN KARUKE'S ROOM (LATE AT NIGHT) (DAY BEFORE COLLEGE STARTS AGAIN)

Karuke: This really is crackier than normal.

Naruke: TO make up for the lack… of… updates… maybe?"

Kori: Yeah, I think we've been storing it up for the lack of updating.

Naruke: Yeah… with all the gyrating… pelvic thrusts… what the hell was up with that?

Karuke: Yeah. Yeah, Roxas' crotch moved separately from the rest of his body.

Naruke: And it was bulging.

Kori: It was like… I don't know.

Karuke: It was like a poorly computer-animated, bulging crotch of gyrating.

Kori: …. We totally broke the fourth wal—

Karuke+Naruke: LIES. LIES LIKE CAKE.

Kori: ……. Right.

Karuke: --whispers—to look for Roxas' bulging crotch, go to day 5. do the mirror wonder, wait for Pence wo twalk away, and then just don't click out of his dialogue line, "another… me?" And stare at his crotch.

Naruke: Stare at it. I'm not even lying. STARE AT IT.

Karuke: Well, we totally have school tomorrow. –cough—

Naruke+Kori: --sigh—So much hate….

Karuke: Well, okay, THOSE TWO have school. –cough—

Naruke: I don't wanna go in at eight…

Karuke: … At night?

Naruke: No, in the morning.

Karuke: Poor baby.

Kori: … you're rambling.

Naruke: TELEPORT! –Teleports—

Kori: Wait, I have school too! Not for a couple of hours later, but I have school too! TELEPORT! –teleports out—

Karuke: ……………………… TELEPORT! –teleports—


End file.
